April 2019

I II

There's a force within me that would have me always focused on that which most displeases me about myself, like a dog being forced to sniff the big pile of shit it made on the living room floor. It would have me cast aside all numbing distractions, anything which is momentarily pleasurable but ultimately meaningless. "Don't you dare, you lazy bastard", it wants to scream, "don't you dare go telling yourself this is how you'd prefer to live". Doing something over & over should at the very least gradually condense the process, freeing up time & energy for further experimentation. That which is consumed is broken down over time. Redundant aspects are discarded. Patterns are discoverd. The individual components are simplified & consolidated. The things at the edges of the system are the most complex, the most ambiguous, the most difficult. Bits of debris are constantly accumulating & falling back off. The problem of consciousness seems to largely just be a problem for consciousness.

The self as a multiplicity of drives localized to a single body, much in the same way that a piece of music could be thought of as the named totality of various auditory elements interacting with each other. The mind creates a simplified, cohesive abstraction out of the multitude of parts it encounters. The self as the general "vibe" of everything going on within you. I suspect that there is a particular drive within me, whose primary objective is to create & thereafter inhabit a hologram simulation of reality, or to avoid the complexities of facing direct experience as much as possible. To this end it attempts to convince other drives (such as drives to satisfy animal compulsions, drives to challenge the known, etc.) that building logical models of things is a surefire way to ensure that you eventually obtain them. It's aim is to pull all of these other aspects of self away from any sort of direct transformative action, to put them in service of building further logical constructs. Perhaps the ultimate goal of this drive is to create a perfect 1:1 simulation of the outer universe, but on the inside, where it can become God of a new reality. Things grow with attention. The more you give your time to a particular activity, to a particular mode of being, the more you begin to develop specific abilities which allow for deeper exploration of the territory.