August 2019

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The problem with animal compulsions is that they are no longer all-consuming. I dream of experiencing a ferocious, beastial hunger, or a sexual ecstasy that erodes all boundaries. Instead I am visited by a hunger that is intermittent & lukewarm. I experience my sexuality not as a great oncoming wave, but rather as a small yapping dog that constantly disrupts the orderly flow of disinterested logic. The drives remain seated at the edges of the room, demanding my attention, never leaving, but no longer capable of extending visceral tendrils deep into the core of my being. Is this an inevitable process of developing as an individual or a civilization? One's potential for action continuously increases, but in inverse proportion one's ability to savour the fruits of those actions diminishes. One dreams of a level further beyond the current, in which all trace of the lingering drives have vanished, and no longer does the idea of a cold, clockwork mind seem unappealing. Or perhaps a happier reunification, a re-emergence of raw animal satisfaction at a higher level of being asofyet undiscovered.

Individuality as a collection of drives, each with particular aims & focuses & interpretations of the world. Drives that enter into coalitions, drives that enter into conflict, drives that split off into myriad subdrives in order to explore divergent aspects of what was once seen as a unified goal. The persisting ego seems to be that pattern of behaviours which are in the general interests of the greatest number of active drives, which the greatest portion of the body can agree upon. One's vice behaviour & shadow selves emerge as conflicting sub-egos - those patterns of behaviour which enjoy a high degree of popularity amongst a large number of drives, but which as of yet have not managed to overthrow the primary governing body, or to alter themselves in such a way as to be agreeable to it. At any given moment several or many different drives & points of interest may be hovering in one's general field of awareness, no one of which is able to command the total operating attention of the organism.

The process of overcoming a negative behaviour imprint: initially there is no conscious awareness of the problem area, merely a felt sense of the world being "bad". Over time one is able to relegate this sense of badness to a particular area of life, and then to particular sensations. Associations are discovered between the unpleasant sensations and particular behaviour patterns or triggers in the material world. One slowly begins to reduce the problem, to pinpoint the roots of it as actual events in the real world, rather than formless transcendent sensations. One begins to "grasp" the problem as a repeating pattern of physical activity, to see to what extent they can take hold of this pattern & redirect the flow of causality. Thus any vague existential problem is a process which the mind is continuously mulling over, attempting always to reduce it in scope, to break pieces off & tie them to things in the world which can actually be affected.

does postmodernism just lead to you walking around loft studios making humming sounds for 40 minutes i'm not convinced that every new age drug hippie dude isn't secretly cookin up a scheme to get new age drug hippie girls to talk about him like they talk about the ra material went home feeling frustrated i can see the seams now can't believe i gave up my sleep for this can't believe i got tricked again i want to make you feel the way waterfalls & tall mountains & clouds make you feel first they ignore a subversive movement, and then they ridicule it, and then they demonize it, and then they cater to it in a way that defangs it. Sometimes it feels like the only difference between making art & masturbating is the intended audience.

Writing emotionally. Will it put these thoughts to rest? Or am I simply stirring up the waters? Be cautious any time you expose yourself to popular opinion, for you run the risk of diffusing whatever hard-edged delusion is driving you forward into the formless sea of generality. My sexual fantasies always end up feeling like I just spent an hour painting someone else's house. If you can't train yourself to take pleasure in the things that are actually helping you, than you have a weak fucking will & don't deserve to make progress. No doubt my current point of view is flawed. And no doubt my current definitions are subject to change. But such would be the case with any position I might take. So why not go with the lie that at least seems most compelling?

The great challenge of our times to be able to hold strong against the onslaught of those who would remove any possible challenge from your life, and have you believe that this is exactly what you want. Perhaps there are two kinds of people - those who want to feel like whatever they're currently doing will eventually lead to the experience of eternal bliss, joy, enlightenment...and those who just want the flow of continuity to keep going & going & going. If you're really clever you can turn anything at all into a tool, even your worst habits. Perhaps each drive, each feeling, each momentary impulse carries with it the idea that there is some objective self, some watchful I that transcends these momentary phenomenon. Does this I ever make its presence known, beyond the reccurent "well surely he must be there"?