January 2019

I II III IV

There's a voice within me that compells me into the unknown. The call to adventure. It constantly reaffirms that all that is new & dangerous & mysterious is also that which is exciting, and vital, and romantic. There's another voice that speaks for the established order, which would change nothing at all. It needs no romantic imagery, because it has the weight of day-to-day reality on its side. Rhythm happens over & over, and each time it happens it feels more & more like that's how it's supposed to be, like that's the natural order. But a rhythm can be broken at any point. Just because something sticks around for a long time, does that mean it speaks to some deeper universal truth? Maybe it just feels that way. Maybe the rhythm just got lucky. Overcome automatic, semi-conscious behaviour patterns in the same way you develop the ability to lucid dream. Get in the habit of repeatedly checking in with yourself, becoming conscious of yourself in every possible situation. I want to be wanted for superficial reasons. I want to be immediate. I want to be that which is self-evident.

People trap each other in familiar patterns. They can't see what you're aiming for - to them it just looks like you're arbitrarily breaking away from what works. Don't let the fact that you aren't good at something stop you from doing it. That's where growth is found. That's where life is found. If you only ever do what you've already mastered, you become a statue. Sometimes saying something right means saying it wrong many times, until it just slips out one day. Your distasteful animal impulses can never be silenced, because they are more fundamental to your being than taste. The feeling of failure only persists so long as you continue carrying it around. Every time I speak with uncertainty I feel like I just took a piss on my inner child. Beware of the man whose grand romantic ambition is to die young & have everyone he knows feeling sad at his funeral, because they all failed to recognize his greatness before it was too late.

Be aware of when you're continuously going back over minor details merely to put off venturing out into unexplored territory. But also be aware of when you're running off in search of novelty, rather than picking away at some complex, persistant problem. The difficulty in attempting to optimize your mind is that you're always working with tools you'd like to replace. The most effective strategies you currently have may not be particularly effective, but that's no reason to abandon them in favour of the least effective strategies you have.

Discrete systems become unified into a collective via cooperative pursuit of shared interests. The individual components are faced with the constant choice of devoting more energy to their own particular goals, or to the collective goal of the group. The former offers the possibility of advancing more rapidly, and perhaps growing beyond the point of needing the support of the group - but carries with it the risk that one will lose the group's favour, and thereafter come up against challenges that they are ill-adapted to handle. With regards to the latter scenario, there is the inherent benefit of safety in numbers, of everyone growing & diversifying "slow & steady". The risk, of course, is that in the letting go of individual eccentricities, there will be a gradual loss of identity, and widespread social stagnation. There is also the possibility that some other individual component might choose to pursue self-interest, develop great power, and afterwards turn against the group. One is tempted to pre-emptively fortify themselves against this scenario. One becomes a monster in order to avoid being eaten by potential monsters. That which is most disruptive to the organized state of the known is often that which appears most compelling to the organizing agent. That which is most familiar, most well-understood comes to seem the banal, and dissolves into the backdrop of unconscious awareness. A weak will fears judgement. It fears that stronger forces than itself will destroy it if it steps out of line. It lacks confidence in its own position, and thus is constantly compromising itself in order to be taken along on the ride of "the greater good".