January 2020

I II

You can't alter the immediately felt sensations of this moment. But you can control the way in which your perceive these sensations - the names you give to them, the deeper meanings you read into them, the abstract "good" or "bad" potentials you associate with them. Thus you can experience that which you may have previously labelled "bad, horrid, evil" without automatically experiencing some sort of negative reaction. You can choose to consciously observe the particularities of the situation. You can choose to view them as a unique & fundamentally unbiased experience. You can even, with time, come to interpret these things as being good, pleasurable, exciting. Perhaps there are actual physical limits to your being, in terms of what can or cannot be endured. But well before these limits, there are imagined limits - seemingly erected by some more automated aspect of being, in order to continuously dissaude that more exploratory aspect of your being (the so-called "free will") from venturing too far into unexplored territory. These imagined limits, these unpleasant sensations are manifested for your safety, but they do not fundamentally speak to what you can or cannot do. If you can endure what you currently view as unpleasant (but not fatal) without taking injury, you will gradually expand the limits of what you may consider to be possible...

I distinctly remembered the first thing I ever ejaculated to. It was a picture of a model from the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, clipped from the front page of the Lifestyle section of that day's edition of the local newspaper. Some relatively famous tennis player, I think. Probably if I looked up the details of all the editions circa 2001 to 2003, I could remember the exact year & name. Then I could track down the archives of my hometown's newspaper, and pinpoint an exact date. Perhaps there would be something to gain from doing this - from creating an organized timeline of my life so far. But I shudder at the thought of just how much time moving forward would thus becomed occupied in creating a roadmap of the time gone past. I don't particularly care if the things I write contradict each other. I contradict myself daily. Contradiction is foundational to my being.