July 2019

I II III IV V VI

I recognize that much time & energy has been sacrificed to momentary pleasures. I seek not to be controlled by the gravitational pull of whatever temporarily stimulating experience enters my proximity. But so too I question these ghosts that tell me to reject all momentary pleasures out of hand, that the things of the world are a distraction. A distraction from what? The void? The white light of pure transcendental nothingness never much appealed to me, no matter how much all that new age literature I read as a teenager told me it was the one true bliss. I want variation. I want highs, lows, lulls. I tire of writing about abstract concepts. There is much that is currently interesting to me, but I would rather not write about it. I would rather experience it sensually. The creative act is not an attempt to render that which best adheres to the established order's idea of material perfection, but rather to open up a hole in the established order through which that which has no name may be glimpsed.

Your momentary thoughts & feelings are not your friends. They aren't there to help you get through difficult situations. More often then not they are simple a mindless, reactive whirlpool that exists around a problem area. They compound difficulties. They make things worse. Recognize that any reflection on the badness of a situation is simply another manifestation of the badness itself. Don't identify with it. Move through it. Those who take advantage of you don't care how unhappy you are about the present situation, so long as you continue behaving in a predictable manner. Generally speaking that which is truly intense needs no justification or explanation. It just comes at you. The closer one comes to the breaking point without touching it, the faster they develop, but also the higher the risk of collapse. How does one constantly experiment with procedure, while maintaining a single-minded sense of focus? Be careful not to move too boldly when attempting to improve your life. Some of your vices might be load-bearing. How much time has been wasted, regretting the time you've wasted?

The force which endures is that which is capable of endless mutation, without loss of momentum. It doesn't have to be true in order to have an affect. If you want to improve, learn to enjoy being uncomfortable. Perhaps free will is nothing more than the ability to recognize & question the clockwork flow of primary impulses. Moral imperatives against questioning or seeking beyond the scope of a particular model of reality are often nothing more than self-preservation mechanisms generated by that model of reality. Every "why?" is a step beyond the limits of one's current system of being, into the unformed mass of raw experience. Every "how:" is an active attempt to incorporate more of that which is external into the existing model. Things grow in complexity via their failed attempts to simplify. The conscious desire to better understand some degenerative impulse you've experienced might very well just be that same impulse attempting to get its foot in the door. One leans too heavily on the idea that desiring intensely will yield the object of desire. Would Desire, as a living force, really encourage behaviour that could lead to its demise?

If you living a highly structured life for long enough, you begin to wonder about all the aspects of life you're missing out on. "Surely the current system isn't perfect", you say to yourself, "And I really ought to try new things". So you open yourself up to experimentation. How disappointed you are to discover that, rather than taking on exciting new challenges or experiencing a new world of pleasure, you immediately revert back to base habits you thought you had conquered long ago. It's as if your will existed entirely within the framework of the structure you had developed, imperfect as it might have been. One gets the sense that the process of discovering new things comes not from abandoning these projects you've taken on, but in seeing them through, in moving beyond them. Waiting until you have the plan all worked out in your head before you start executing it is like holding off on taking medicine until you're feeling well enough for it.

The horror which consumes the earth does so because it operates on an entirely different system of valuations than anything you had previous encountered or even considered. The horrific is not some noble challenger to your established order, who even in besting you reifies your sense of "how things are" by presenting a more realized version of what you aspire to be. Rather, the horrific disregards your sense of order altogether. It exists fundamentally outside of it. It exists beyond the potentialities of your language. It's entirely alien. It is other. And it makes you realize that perhaps all that you consider most familiar, most grounding, is ultimately (from some other perspective) equally as alien. The music's always playing. It's just that sometimes you might not particularly like what you're hearing. It's not that there isn't value in pre-emptive planning - it's just that whatever plans you come up with are likely to be very rapidly torn apart by the actualities of whatever situation you find yourself cast into. And the more time you spent meticulously crafting those plans, the more it's going to hurt when you see them fall apart.

You have a better understanding of the minutia of your being than anyone else. You have a better sense of your long term goals than anyone else. You out of anyone are most concerned with your personal health, your happiness, your success. Anyone & anything external can at best offer tools, opportunities, guideposts, or surfaces to reflect off of. You are the only person fully equipped to walk this path. And yet, the path is unclear to you. You're tempted to sit & look at the castles off in the far distance. But looking won't get you there. You need to take a step. What feels good today? What feels bad? What feels better? What feels worse? What ought you to be doing? You need to take a step. A small step. For that's the only thing in the whole wide universe that's going to get you anywhere. We live in a time of largely internal journies, going on imaginary quests to vanquish the abstract demons of unfortunate early imprints & traumatic experiences. In large part you are the only person who can see & appreciate the work you are doing on the inside. Please keep this in mind whenever you're interacting with others. They can't see your baggage. You can't see theirs. Your initial efforts along any particular trajectory may be so completely ineffectively that they give undue credence to that inner demon which suggests that never attempting anything at all is the best strategy in life.