June 2019

I II III IV V VI VII VIII IX X XI

The sea of my life is too well mapped. I want an unexpected wave to to smash apart this ship of my being, this ship made of scheduled tasks & familiar behaviour patterns. I want to wake up shipwrecked on an unexplored island, to the sound of something vast & terrible lurking in the distance. It would take more than a singular catastrophic failure to bring the system down at this point. It's too entrenched, too many self-defense mechanisms, too many self-regenerative subsystems. It would take multiple cascading catastrophies, like repeatedly bleaching weed-entrenched Earth until finally the last remaining signs of life had vanished. The problem with disenfranchised groups is that their logic always kinda makes sense if you allow yourself to look at it from their point of view. Life has failed to come together in a satisfying way, and these people are reasonably upset about it. To this the machine responds - "your being is in error. Undo yourself. Abandon all of your familiar patterns. Start anew, because everything you've done up until now is wrong & terrible", without offering any clear indication of how one might go about doing that, and with only the vague non-promise that maybe things will be better the second time around.

Even if you believe in eternal reincarnation, you're still missing the point of the game if you choose to give up on this particular life. I hate the feeling of being asked how I'm doing when it's clear the person asking is only doing so as a means of putting themselves in the position of emotional benefactor. Remember: you don't want the event, you want the feeling of making it happen. I become highly agitated whenever I'm around intoxicated individuals going on about the beauty of life, the purity of emotions, the genuine excitement of mass media, the assured nature of future success. Perhaps I'm jealous. I need to sleep on hard beds & eat cold feelings & beat the shit out of my own failings just to feel some small sense of personal contentment. I can't buy bottles of liquid happiness from the local dep. The only thing I've ever been able to snort lines of was righteous indignation.

Too many details. You get distracted. Constant interuption. Always catching fragments of something ongoing, that began before you arrived, and will continue long after you've left. Advertising that has its stated message & the message it is conveying subconsciously, both rife with suggested imagery dense with conscious & semi-conscious references & symbolism. The designer of the page attempts to organize all of these discrete elements into a somewhat cohesive presentation, but acknowledges the fact that the actual content appearing in each section will change indefinitely moving forward, will appear infinitely different to differnt eyes & different lives. Each time you hear a piece of music, you hear something unique, for the first time. The sound is affected by the state of the hardware. The position of the speakers in the room & the position of the listener in relation to the speakers. The tonal qualities of the room. Other sounds present. The volume of the music. The state of the ears of the listener. The state of mind of the listener. Is he paying attention? Has he heard this song before?

Be aware of this male inclination to be constantly project an aura of total confidence & self-mastery, to always have some answer to every question, to assume you could immediately excel at any task (you just need to get around to it!). Be aware of the way in which failure to live up to these projections tempts one to say, "well, it was a waste of time anyway. A child's fantasy. Not real. I didn't even care, and the game's rigged anyway". Be aware of when other men are doing this to you - handing you their unrealized dreams like its a company uniform you're expected to put on. Don't become fixated on this idea that your life needs to always be revolving around some central project, some ultimate shining vision to work towards. Sometimes the nature of being is to become dispersed in a million small tasks, and this is just as valid as any messianistic voyage.

Hate all of those external distractions for preventing you from dedicating more time to those things which you consider truly important. Hate yourself for not putting in as much effort as you could be, even with all the distractions. Hate God for making it so that wasting time feels more satisfying than using it properly. Whatever, Man. Hate all you want, but know that it's a wildly inefficient emotional state in terms of energy expended for results gained. Rumination is a bird flying into windows until it dies. When time is a limited commodity, you begin to realize how every action requires sacrifice. To dedicate yourself to any one thing requires giving up time dedicated to something else. Faced with the reality of this, one begins to hesitate in making decisions. One sacrifices time to hesitation. One develops their ability to hesitate. To worry. To hold off. To second guess. When time is a limited commodity, you need to get in the habit of acting as if every decision you make is the best possible decision you could be making. Otherwise you're just improving your ability to remain in stasis.

Know what you want. Own it. Pursue it. Stop being a soft piece of shit that attempts to diffuse every single statement he makes, to take the edge off it, to dance around his ambitions as if they weren't there. A conversation isn't useful for much other than passing time, when it's just a vague cloud of harmless pleasantries. Use your conversations as a testing ground. Try things out. Explore possibilities. Make connections. Make a transformation. Knock something over. Say something that can't be taken back. Likewise, don't waste your interpersonal moments just endlessly yammering on about yourself, attempting to solidify your sense of egoic identity by having it validated by others. Solidify your sense of identity in personal reflection. Write more. Sit alone for a while, with nothing to distract you. Experimentation is never a waste, even if the experiment fails. Even in the pursuit of total self-destruction there is the secret hope that Nothingness will be a rebalancing, a reset, or at least an opportunity to get some much needed rest. Actively attempting to avoid dogmatic behaviour is dogmatic behaviour

Hesitation: do I stop to document this moment? Will doing so disrupt the flow of the experience? But hesitation itself already disrupts the flow of experience. Or perhaps disruption is part of the experience. Perhaps no opportunity is ever truly missed, because the idea of a perfect execution points to nothing in the actual world. I sit down to do something & immediately wonder if I should be doing something else. I question my methods. I'm unfocused. I'm thinking about what I did yesterday, or what I'm doing tomorrow. My attention drifts. I attempt to multi-task, poorly. I am unsure what my intention actually is. I wonder if some vital spark is lacking, and must be discovered via alternative methods. Perhaps my entire approach to the activity has developed in the manner of a tree made crooked due to injury early on in its development. Is it worthwhile to be giving a voice to these doubts? Should I ignore them, act as if I were at all times a man with a plan? Perhaps this is the nature of all exploratory creative work - this constant ambiguity, this constant searching for a vital moment that's only ever recognized after it has already passed. Determine if it is possible, through a process of ever-increasing structure & discipline, to discover a higher order of pleasure, a greater world of unknowns, a sense of mystery, adventure, excitement.

Avoid thinking of desire as something to satisfy by manifesting particular conditions - this results only in myriad potential failed states, and perhaps a few in which you have "succeeded" insofar as you have caused the force which was driving you forward to dissipate. Rather, view desire as a wellspring of momentum, something to be continuously harnessed & redirected in service of one's ongoing projects. Learn to derive satisfaction not from the realization of external particularities, but rather from the feeling of successfully controlling your energetic flow. "This isn't the real me. I just need a few days to get my head straight. I need a break from the noise. I need to get a plan together. I need to talk to the right people. I need to watch the right TED Talk. I need to let loose one more night, and get a good sleep, and tomorrow will be a fresh new start. I have real big plans. Just you watch"...the mantra of the masses, carrying themselves across the landscape of their meaningless lives, perpetually convinced they are on the verge of emerging from the cocoon of their reality as the monarch butterfly of their fantasy. Recognizing your automatic animal compulsions as such doesn't fundamentally weaken or defang them in any way. Rather, it's all of those so-called "higher order" aspects of your consciousness, which you've put so much effort into actively developing over time, which tend to crumble most readily at the faintest whisper of doubt.

The dance, the psychedelic experience, unrestrained animal sexuality, the nighttime, the artistic frenzy - these things have become commodified. They have become a tourist destination. Take a vacation to the shamanic experience, in whatever form you prefer. Participate in hook up culture. Stay up late. Go to the club. Buy a synthesizer. Get a Soundcloud account. Propagate your personal #brand. Get those internet points. Take a gap year. Go to some far off country. Ingest medicinal plants in the jungle. For those who'd rather remain close to home & take it easy, there are an enticing array of virtual reality options available to satisfy your sexual fantasies, your adventure fantasies, your power fantasies. All of these things become nothing more than a deviation from normalcy. Something to get out of your system, when need be. Something silly. Childish, really. Something to eventually be grown out of. Meanwhile, all drive, all structuring energy, is continuously redirected towards renforcing the existing superstructure of global civilization. A life of hedonistic self-indulgence becomes nothing more than buying a lot of crap you don't need. A life of self-actualization becomes nothing more than buying crap you don't need, and perhaps manufacturing crap the world doesn't need, and perhaps looking like a man who fucks.

Awarenss - the kind of reality that is able to look back at itself - asks, "is there any meaning or order to any of this?", and then it begins making meaning & order in order to figure out an answer to that question. It begins chaining things together, it begins finding patterns in the discrete elements of the world. Gradually these chains of associated meaning begin to resemble what one might call an operational system. One becomes able to say, "there is clearly a force of order in the universe, and it is my duty to help it grow. It is my duty to bring all of this chaos around me into this system of meaning". Thus one's project becomes to fit all of their lived experience neatly into their burgeoning worldview, to reduce the whole universe to statistics & truisms. At all times the system experiences internal tension associated with recognizing that other conscious actors are propagating wholly distinct systems, and vocally proclaiming those systems to be the true & proper ones. The individual tells themselves, "well surely those others are wrong. Their systems are flawed & mine will eventually overpower them". Or they try to rest easy in the belief that it's okay for everyone to hold different conflicting ideas, so long as we all just get along (which is to suggest that one's individual system is ultimately meaningless). Or perhaps the individual systems attempt to work together to bridge the gaps, to created a unified super-consciousness of science or culture or religion or politic.

It's not that I don't want the things of this world - I just want to discover them on my own terms. When I hear someone telling me how noble it is to be stoic, to give up these sinful desires, to find peace in renunciation, to become some sort of ascetic monk - all of this sort of talk to me seems near identical to whatever cultural force it is that tells me to cut my hair & buy new clothes & watch the popular media, and spout the right opinions, and become obsessed with getting with the conventionally considered "hot girls". Everyone has a point to make, everyone other than me is ultimately wrong somehow. In much the same way that a groove appears in a piece of paper after it has been folded, and a groove appears in earth that has seen sufficient foot traffic, perhaps an auditory groove could be thought of as a residual distortion which encourages reality to continue flowing in whatever fashion encouraged the groove to appear in the first place. The ascetic lifestyle is simply an orgy of self-denial. If intense passion & desire were enough to manifest results, then infants & drug addicts would rule the world.