March 2019


Be suspicious of generalizations, including this one. You initially turn to some external guide because it seems like they may have useful information to share with you. But eventually you're paying attention to them just because the way they talk makes you feel good. If experimentation is needed for long-term success, and temporary failure is a distinct possibility of experimentation, then continual failure ought to be cherished as an aspect of one's progression. Past a certain point, gathering information regarding unknown territory one would like to explore becomes nothing more than a process of putting off entry into the unknown. Perhaps one is searching for some golden truth that will remove fear of the unknown, fear of failure, general anxiety. In reality, these feelings only dissipate as a result of the emotional body reconfiguring itself to fit new behaviour patterns adopted by the individual. Thus, one must first initiate these new patterns in spite of whatever sensations their current emotional configuration is sending to them - even if the emotional body is screaming, "stay away! Do not attempt! Failure imminent!". You must ignore it. It doesn't know what it's talking about. It's been made sick due to years of poor diet & mistreatment.

It may not be in the interests of developing systems to be too sensually appealing, too early on in their development. It would be all too easy for a more established order to overtake them, to engulf them, to devour them, to snuff them out. Thus the young growth remains bitter, tart, odd, unpalatable. As it matures perhaps there is somewhat of a relaxation of this defensive nature, or a level of mastery reached that begins to draw the attention of (and ultimately, disturbance from) outside forces Sweetness is nothing more than experience of rigid structures beginning to break down. Rot is the conclusion of sweetness. Chaos is the conclusion of rot. New life is the conclusion of chaos. Becoming more skeptical of the world as it's presented is a gamble, with the hope that doing so will allow one to navigate reality more effectively, and the fear that doing so will simply cause reality to be replaced with a simulacrum constructed out of assumptions & self-denial. One is constantly encouraged to always be moving, to always be hustling, to sleep when then they're dead - to the point where it all begins to seem suspicious, as if perhaps there were things which could only be experienced & understood in the mode of becoming still & diffusing one's will into a hypnogogic play of undirected dreamforms...And perhaps these things, if allowed to arise, would prove detrimental to that organizing machine which cries the loudest for total productivity.

Devoting more time to an activity won't necessarily bring you closer to your goal (unless your goal is simply to fill time). The fact that the activity is enjoyable in the moment isn't indicative that it is also generating the intended result (unless the intended result is simply to enjoy yourself in the moment). Perhaps some days the goal is simply to get through the scheduled task, to maintain that continuity of having "got through it" many days in a row. Perhaps some days the goal is simply to lose yourself in the act of doing, to forget about goals & doings altogether. Here there is a key point to remember: one is often required to undergo some sort of transitional process, from "general awareness" to "engaged with the activity". Do not expect to be immediately swept up in whatever it is you set out to do. Do not go in looking for any sort of magical feeling, because this will only delay your engagement with the act. Perhaps a period of warm-up is required. Perhaps the magic feeling fails to appear this time around. Perhaps it remains missing for days or weeks or months of work sessions that feel uninspired. Perhaps the feeling never comes back, for you. Perhaps the feeling now exists only as something for others to encounter, when they encounter your work. Or perhaps it returns for you tomorrow. In any case, it would be a shame to let this sort of expectency get in the way of you actualizing your potential. Going into any novel situation, my goal isn't "to have a good time", but rather to experience things which I did not previously have a word for. Often the most interesting developments take place when one encounters the unexpected, and is forced to reconstitute their being around it.

Morality & logic as an energetic scaffolding the higher mind erects around a primordial being cast into a social landscape it has had not nearly enough time to properly develop instincts for. friendship as lulling narcotic The bulk of life takes place in the indistinct washes between those rare moments of genuine intensity. Thus if one is only ever on the lookout for the most intense feelings, the great calling, the noble project - they miss the greatest part of their own lived experience. Hard work & discipline can fuck you up. You can work hard for a very long time on a project that ultimately turns out to have been bad for you. If you actually want to get ahead you need more than just the ability to be dogmatically focused on the current path. You need to be able to continuously charge forward, while internally remaining somewhat detached. Questioning everything, not at all committed to the current course of action if it begins to prove detrimental.