Date Unknown


The vast majority of individuals I've encountered who identified as rebels, free-thinkers, dissidents, revolutionaries, etc were generally speaking as predictible as in their aesthetic & behaviour as whatever established order they were contrasting themselves against. Misery is a monomaniacal fixation on pain. It is circular, it is self-sustaining. It proposes no solution, attempts no movement. Likewise, bemoaning one's lack of resources serves only to use up further resources (ie, time). In attempting to improve the situation & failing horribly, one at the very least gains the ability to cross some potentialities off the list. Engaging with the daily practice the way one might rev up a motor, faster & faster until such a degree of creative mania is enduced that the diffuse glow of a dirty incandescent lightbulb begins to look like forest nymphs dancing around a bonfire. Just because something is difficult, doesn't mean it's making you stronger. You may devote a great deal of energy to overcoming the impulse to pursue quick gratification, but don't simply become one who impulsively avoids any sort of gratification. Your project is to expand the scope of possibilities within, not simply to become the opposite of whatever you started off as.

I have experienced states in which all that I had previously considered banal, completely familiar, completely mundane suddenly became infused with an effervescent glow, became objects of pure inspiration, pure potentiality, as if the divine workings of all things were being revealed to me in their totality. Likewise, there have been moments in which that which I might previously have considered to be objects of great beauty, high acheivement, deep meaning etc, seemed like nothing more than dense corporeality. You may engage in some incredibly dangerous impulse behaviour, and risk toppling over the entire functional structure of your life, in hopes of manifesting some higher form of reality. Likewise, you may rigidly adhere to some personal code, and risk missing out on all sorts of pleasurable diversions, in hopes of manifesting some higher form of reality. Expanding the scope of your reality is only possible insofar as you're willing to consider that perhaps your point of view is provisional, your conception of right & wrong is arbitrary, your sense of order is entirely mutable, your goals were never meant to be reached, and your dreams are all meaningless.

If you actually want to overcome a bad habit, don't go framing it as some great evil you must strive to overcome. Don't make it a forbidden fruit. Don't make it sexy. Don't make it your secret truth. Don't make it a shamanic animal cry that wakes you up at the midnight hour. Rather, focus on the ways your habit has lied to you. Focus on the promises it failed to deliver upon. Focus on all those sobering moments, those lingering comedowns, those recognitions that nothing at all was gained, not even a good time. Deflate it. Make it something small, pathetic. Make it the agent of the very same dull continuity that it swore to offer reprieve from. And in the same breath, recognize all those efforts you are making to improve your situation, all of those things which offer some degree of personal transformation (however minute). And consciously make those things your desire, your fixation, your cold sweat in the middle of the night.